albinolapineredqueen's Blog

I feel heavy and tired, but relaxed

I am going to try my damnest to do yoga and random exercises daily. I am comfortable with being plus sized, but I wouldn't mind going down a dress size or two. Not to mention, I want to tone my thighs and butt.

I already eat little as it is and since I get my food from the food bank, I can't be picky. So today, I was on the usual website that I lurk and I saw some people talking about regular exercises that they do daily and it's just easy simple things that you can do in your room or around the house. I felt inspired by this so I looked for a website with yoga videos. I don't really like to get up and run around, plus I can't really be doing jumping jacks on the second floor, so I like to do yoga.

Anyway, I came across this neat little website called
It's a great website. You can stream videos, buy DVDs from the site, chat with the community for tips, and all sorts of goodies.

I also want to keep a little exercise log, so today I did:
30 - modified curl ups (I modified it so that it is comfortable for me, but I still feel the burn)
10 - modified push ups (I've never been able to do normal push ups nor many of them)
1 hour long yoga session

After doing that, my body literally succumbed to gravity and flopped into bed.

She treats me like a parasite

Once again, my mom told me to quit eating so much, when I'm really not, and threatened to lock the fridge. Then again she bitched about me not having a job. Well excuse me that most places are online, and that a lot of places in the area are not looking for anyone. The places that still do it old school, I can print out the app but sorry if I don't feel comfortable leaving me room when either my sister is home or when there's someone I don't know sleeping downstairs. It also seems like she doesn't quite understand that not only do I have social problems, but my anxiety is constantly preventing me from "real world" things. In my eyes, it seems like she doesn't treat me like a member of the family. At least Cinderella had a fairy godmother to make everything alright. Where's my fairy godmother? Sure, I have a husband, but there's really nothing he can do since he is depending on me keep him warm, clean his clothes, feed him, and make sure he stays alive. Right now, my husband is like an injured animal that I am trying to protect and help.

I need someone to rescue us. I need someone to be our fairy godparent.

I hate my life right now

Lately things have been terrible. I was homeless for awhile, but then my mom allowed me to stay in my old room, but my husband must stay homeless. Around this time of the year, the homeless shelters have waiting lists. I'm not going to let my husband to stay out in the freezing cold. So I've been making these big meals so that I can eat and keep my husband fed. However, today, my mom began calling me fat again. Though, I'm not going to beat around the bush, I am full figured, but that isn't something a parent should say to their child. Then she started complaining that I wear the same thing everyday. I recent came back to my home town in Illinois after failing to make it on my own in Arizona. All of my belongings are in Arizona. I have maybe a few shirts, pants, some panties, a few bras, my lappy, my drawing tablet, and whatever I could fit in my purse. I do wash my clothes regularly but since I really don't have much to wear, my mom thinks I'm sitting around in dirty clothes. Then she starts bitching that I hide in my room. What does she expect me to do? Come out of my comfort zone and hang around so called "family members" who make me feel alienated? For years, I feel like I've been bullied by my mother because I'm not like my older sister who is apparently "perfect" is every way. I tried to make it on my own, out of the nest, several times, but failed. My sister hasn't even tried to live on her own and she has a full time job. I have been struggling to at least get an interview! Some people have told me to turn to religion. I've been praying for over a month, everyday, and what has that done? Nothing! The only reasons I'm still alive is because my husband is alive and that I go into a panic attack when I try to comprehend death.

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Previous Posts
I feel heavy and tired, but relaxed, posted January 13th, 2013
She treats me like a parasite, posted November 29th, 2012
I hate my life right now, posted November 25th, 2012

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